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terajk Trigger warning: discussion of sexual abuse
When I was ten years old, my teenage cousin, who was visiting, took me into my bedroom, bounced me on his knee, and tried to touch my breasts. I slapped his hand; he chose to stop. (I get real pissy in discussions of rape or sexual abuse when someone says: "She shoulda fought him off!" as if the abuser has no agency in the matter. I hit him, but he chose to stop). For my part, I chose to never see him again.
And mostly, I haven't seen him in twenty years. (Last winter he showed up at a family party, and I wouldn't have recognized him except he said: "Hi, Tera! Remember me? It's __!" I did much better than I thought I would have, but I was still angry).
Some family is in town, and the plan was to meet at a restaurant. My abuser's mother even called to tell us he would be there, so I could decide if I wanted to go or not. (I was...very moved that she did this, since she and my mother didn't speak to each other for years and I always thought my aunt never believed the abuse happened). I decided not to go.
Then the plans changed.
Suddenly, the plan was to meet at my abuser's house. Now, it didn't matter to me, because I'd already decided not to go--though I was kind of annoyed because I'd told my mom to bring me home something from the restaurant they were supposed to eat at. My mom was hugely disappointed, though, since she wanted to go to this restaurant, and so was the family that was visiting. They were so disappointed they stopped by our house to talk about what they should do.
Then, as we're all sitting here (including, you know, people who don't know what happened), my aunt busts in the house shouting: "It's been twenty years!" and going on about how it's unfair to "split the family up whenever we do anything" and "Tera doesn't leave the house" and "I want Tera to be more comfortable around [my son's family]" and "I'd invite Tera to go with me and [my sons' kids]."
Now, Tera has no problem with her abuser's kids. She is a little nervous around her abuser's wife, because she sort of feels like the other woman that he cheated on her with, even though she knows that isn't true and they weren't even dating at the time. Tera knows this has nothing to do with his wife at all. And because Tera doesn't get out of the house very much when her mother is at work, she is also likely home to answer the goddamn phone. While she may need her mother's asstance to do certain things, she doesn't need her mother's permission. If her aunt really wanted to invite her anywhere with her sons' kids, she COULD HAVE FUCKING CALLED AND ASKED.
Also, Tera was right the fuck there on the sofa, having her business brought up in front of God and everyone, and being talked about in the third person.
This is the second member of the family who's used their "concern" for me to score points in arguments with my mother, where if they were all that concerned they could've come to me first. Are there weird power dynamics in family caregiving? Hell yes. (I keep wanting to explore it with Azula, of all people, which is why writing her is a total pain and I hate everything that I write). But treating me like I have no agency whatever? Screw that crap.
P.S. If anyone would like to make me something where Toph &/Azula blow up something, kick ass or scam Cthulhu, (warning: link goes to TVTropes) I will love you forever.
When I was ten years old, my teenage cousin, who was visiting, took me into my bedroom, bounced me on his knee, and tried to touch my breasts. I slapped his hand; he chose to stop. (I get real pissy in discussions of rape or sexual abuse when someone says: "She shoulda fought him off!" as if the abuser has no agency in the matter. I hit him, but he chose to stop). For my part, I chose to never see him again.
And mostly, I haven't seen him in twenty years. (Last winter he showed up at a family party, and I wouldn't have recognized him except he said: "Hi, Tera! Remember me? It's __!" I did much better than I thought I would have, but I was still angry).
Some family is in town, and the plan was to meet at a restaurant. My abuser's mother even called to tell us he would be there, so I could decide if I wanted to go or not. (I was...very moved that she did this, since she and my mother didn't speak to each other for years and I always thought my aunt never believed the abuse happened). I decided not to go.
Then the plans changed.
Suddenly, the plan was to meet at my abuser's house. Now, it didn't matter to me, because I'd already decided not to go--though I was kind of annoyed because I'd told my mom to bring me home something from the restaurant they were supposed to eat at. My mom was hugely disappointed, though, since she wanted to go to this restaurant, and so was the family that was visiting. They were so disappointed they stopped by our house to talk about what they should do.
Then, as we're all sitting here (including, you know, people who don't know what happened), my aunt busts in the house shouting: "It's been twenty years!" and going on about how it's unfair to "split the family up whenever we do anything" and "Tera doesn't leave the house" and "I want Tera to be more comfortable around [my son's family]" and "I'd invite Tera to go with me and [my sons' kids]."
Now, Tera has no problem with her abuser's kids. She is a little nervous around her abuser's wife, because she sort of feels like the other woman that he cheated on her with, even though she knows that isn't true and they weren't even dating at the time. Tera knows this has nothing to do with his wife at all. And because Tera doesn't get out of the house very much when her mother is at work, she is also likely home to answer the goddamn phone. While she may need her mother's asstance to do certain things, she doesn't need her mother's permission. If her aunt really wanted to invite her anywhere with her sons' kids, she COULD HAVE FUCKING CALLED AND ASKED.
Also, Tera was right the fuck there on the sofa, having her business brought up in front of God and everyone, and being talked about in the third person.
This is the second member of the family who's used their "concern" for me to score points in arguments with my mother, where if they were all that concerned they could've come to me first. Are there weird power dynamics in family caregiving? Hell yes. (I keep wanting to explore it with Azula, of all people, which is why writing her is a total pain and I hate everything that I write). But treating me like I have no agency whatever? Screw that crap.
P.S. If anyone would like to make me something where Toph &/Azula blow up something, kick ass or scam Cthulhu, (warning: link goes to TVTropes) I will love you forever.
