Why haven't they fired me? WHY?
Apr. 4th, 2012 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terajkI have a lot of emotional hangups related to my experiences in school.
I feel a little weird saying that, because I did well in school, for the most part. My skillset is very useful for many academic things--reading, certain types of language that’s prized in academic settings--and less useful for others, like arithmetic and other kinds of math. And teachers would decide that, since I was good at Thing A, I was lazy or lying when it came to Thing B. It was like I was the piece of crap car and the shady salesman who sold it to them. Years ago, when writing about people with my diagnosis Sue Thompson called this phenomenon “the illusion of competence.” I hope this phrase has Died in a Fire,1 not least of all because my default mode of thinking is: “Everyone is mistaking me for competent. They’ll find out I’m not like they did when I was in school and then bad things will happen. Which is kind of silly, because even the bad things that happened weren’t that bad (even “My teacher made my mother cry and it’s actually my fault because if I wasn’t this way she wouldn’t have made my mother cry”) and would not be as bad now, since I’m an adult and not on the wrong side of a power imbalance.
This is probably impostor phenomenon, except for the part where being exposed as Not as Competent as People Thought actually happened. Also, I’m prone to the Dunning-Kruger effect for certain things. Like the time I did awesome finding my way around my college campus and the therapist who was watching me was all, “Wow. Your navigational skills really are bad!”
Anyway. Like, I’ve been writing for GameCritics for more than five years and don’t know why they haven’t fired me yet. Even though it’s a volunteer position. But, I’m slow! (I like/play/review a lot of 30-50-hour RPGs, but…) I’m not very good at, say, first-person shooters. Even though some of my colleagues who play the stuff I’m not good at hate 30-50 hour RPGs and, hey, somebody has to play ‘em. Also, Nippon Ichi is one of my favorite developers: their trademarks include writing characters I love and giving them all special endings that you have to play through more than once to see. Also, really deep and fun post-games. (I tell you, Item World never gets old.) Oh, and a 9999 level cap. I..have not actually leveled up to 9999 in any Nippon Ichi game yet. It’s on my bucket list. And then I’ll start over at level one LIKE A BOSS.
But still, why don’t the people at GameCritics realize I have no clue what I’m doing? That I either haven’t played a lot of Really Important Games All Reviewers Should Play, or suck at them? (Grand Theft Auto III showed me that Tera Driving a Fake Car is only slightly less disastrous than Tera Driving a Real Car. Also, I’ve only played Halo once while surrounded by very patient teenage boys.) That I got stuck in the game I just finished for review, got anxious about it, and then avoided it for at least a week? Again? (And I actually like the game. I’m on a New Game+ and downloaded the free bonus dungeons. 4 SRS.) Avoiding things that make us anxious is a familial trait. What REALLY helped this time was listening to podfic while I played, because fandom is awesome. I should remember this the next time it happens.
Another option for now is, after writing the review, to take time off reviewing for GameCritics and tackle my AMAZING BACKLOG play games I already have, just for fun. Someday, Shining Force Neo, I will finish you, because I want to do a million points of damage, dammit. You and the Devil May Crys I have lying around. Also, Batman: Arkham Asylum. And I know that Marvel vs. Capcom 32 is SOMEWHERE IN THIS HOUSE.
This whole mess affects fannish involvement, too.
1. I’ve seen other disabled people call this phenomenon “If you can do X, why can’t you do Y?” It’s also easily reversed, like: “If you can’t draw a diagram, why do you want to take art class?”
2. I like fighting games, but am not very good at them don’t do special moves consistently. (My crowning achievement is the time I think I performed a Fatality in Mortal Kombat: Deception.) Capcom’s Darkstalkers (aka Vampire) is my favorite fighting game series.
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Date: 2012-04-05 07:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 11:58 am (UTC)And I sympathize with your school experience. (*hugs*) When I was in school I was really good at arts and humanities class, and anything that involved logic - like debate and any type of science class where I didn't actually have to do experiments and crunch numbers. When it came to doing math, though, I was (and still am) a miserable failure. My teachers thought I was lazy for taking the lower-track math classes, and they thought it was proof of my laziness that I got A's in those classes - except that I had to work my ass off for those A's and they came at the expense of lots of angst and crying and stress. I was proud of myself when I got an A in Basic Algebra and my teachers were like "but why are you too lazy to take an Honors math course?" Arrrrrgh.
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Date: 2012-04-05 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 07:37 pm (UTC)We seem similar!
I was proud of myself when I got an A in Basic Algebra and my teachers were like "but why are you too lazy to take an Honors math course?"
Arrrrrgh *hugs* In college I took a smaller-than-usual course load and got As in all my classes. My academic advisor thought this was evidence that this course load was too easy for me, which, no. (Lots of stress and talking things out with other people.)
♥