I really should stop getting books about mental illness from the library

[terajk]

Book About Mental Illness in the Family that I Forced Myself To Read: "Siblings of people with mental illness respond in one of three ways..."

Zuko: "Nope, I don't think so, WHY AM I SUCH A FAILURE?"

Me: *stops reading book and takes it back to the library*


(I'll put up with an awful book in the name of research. An unhelpful book is another matter altogether).

Comments

[recessional]

. . . I don't even care what the three ways were, trying to say that there are only THREE reactions of siblings to their sibling's mental illness is absurd.

[terajk]

trying to say that there are only THREE reactions of siblings to their sibling's mental illness is absurd.

YES. And the book only acknowledged one or two narrow family structures (parents are always involved, and they're at the "top" of the family/support system--which is an assumption I've run into in a lot of places.

The whole book was pretty terrible (well, the half I read).

[recessional]

I've PERSONALLY had more than three reactions to my siblings' neuratypicality. I've had more than three reactions to MY neuroatypicality!

[lizbee]

But what were the three reactions! WHAT IF I'M DOING IT WRONG?

[rydra_wong]

Ooh. What if my siblings are doing it wrong, and I can point this out and taunt them*?

Okay, my impulse to exploit this for purposes of sibling mockery is probably evidence that I'm Doin It Wrong, but we all know that anyway.

{*Footnote: my family has a well-developed line in gallows humour, and a shared loathing of pop psych. I am not mean.}

[terajk]

I read that book a while back (it's called forgot what the three reactions were, so I went to the library and looked them up!

First, an apology: I shouldn't have called them "reactions." They're really "roles in the family," but I still think it's weird that there are only three of them. (There are only two of us in my immediate family, and our roles shift to a bunch of different things all the time). They were: the Custodian, the Bystander, and the Adversary. An FAQ page at schizophrenia.com describes them like this:

• Custodian - a sibling trying to step into a parental role. Although parents may appreciate the extra help, and the sibling might feel an empowering sense of authority, they can burnout with overwork, or feel resentment at being forced to grow up too fast.


• Bystander - often goes to the middle sibling. Tend to be more emotionally detached, and act as invisible observers, diplomats, or moral overseers. These siblings often suffer from parental neglect, and feel very isolated and alone.


• Adversary - the outspoken, "troublemaking" family member that acts out their frustration and anger. These siblings may end up in the unpopular role of "family scapegoat."

Oh! I forgot!

[terajk]

The name of the book is: When Madness Comes Home: Help and Hope for the Children, Siblings and Parters of the Mentally Ill" by Victoria Secunda.

[lizbee]

Yyyyeah, that doesn't work in our family. Granted, we all have our own problems, so I guess we sometimes swap hats.

And I don't see that working for Zuko, either. The Custodian role to an extent, but ... yeah.

[terajk]

Granted, we all have our own problems, so I guess we sometimes swap hats.

Yeah. Although I have no siblings, I imagine there are more possibilities than these three. neither my mother nor I are neurotypical, either.

And I don't see that working for Zuko, either.

Nope. In the book's defense, I don't think there are many self-help books called So You Have to Run a Country and Your Dad is in Prison and Your Mom is in Exile and Your Sister Could Just Kill You and Take Your Job.

The one thing that was really helpful in that book was when it said that sometimes there's a shift in how sibling rivalry works--so that, for instance, a sibling who is typical might think they can't compete with their sibling anymore. (Hey, I'm an only child--just the person you want writing a Very Complicated Sibling Relationship ;-)). Which I could see happening, although Azula would still compete with him as much as she ever did--and Zuko mostly related to her as a competitor anyway, so he may not know of any other options.

It's actually really hard for me to know how Zuko feels about Azula's mental illness anyway, because they all bleed into other things he has to deal with/issues he already had. The very first thing I got from Zuko was: "I am supposed to be the failure. Why can I do all these things my sister can't do?" (He may have been overstating the case, by the way). "WHY AM I RUNNING A COUNTRY UNCLE YOU SUCK I WANT MY BOAT BACK!"

(Which reminds me that I...sort of want a story or series of stories where Zuko slowly becomes disillusioned with Iroh. Not because Iroh is a bad guy, but because Iroh would really not be able to guide him here).

Some of Zuko's other feelings (so far) are: "My dad would send Azula away to prison and I don't want to be like my dad. Plus it will be weird if I start putting people in prison for war crimes, since I committed several. And Azula is the only person who knows what growing up with Dad was like; also, yes she is scary and my new friends are nice but it is REALLY WEIRD interacting with them and I know how to talk to my sister. Except when she doesn't talk like she used to. "

He would probably ask Katara to heal her, which means I have to come up with a reason why she can't. (Worlds where magical healing exists don't mix well with my narrative kinks. Dammit).

[lizbee]

Late comment is late!

In the book's defense, I don't think there are many self-help books called So You Have to Run a Country and Your Dad is in Prison and Your Mom is in Exile and Your Sister Could Just Kill You and Take Your Job.

This seems like a strange gap in the market. Surely that kind of problem is universal?

(Which reminds me that I...sort of want a story or series of stories where Zuko slowly becomes disillusioned with Iroh. Not because Iroh is a bad guy, but because Iroh would really not be able to guide him here).

Yeah. It would be hard to do, because Iroh genuinely thinks he's doing the right thing most of the time, but he still makes mistakes. My friend branwyn started talking about fic where Iroh takes care of Azula, but then she went off and turned it into a pro novel. Which is nice, and the draft is really good so far, and I guess her agent prefers that she's not writing fic, but I feel compelled to pout nonetheless.

He would probably ask Katara to heal her, which means I have to come up with a reason why she can't. (Worlds where magical healing exists don't mix well with my narrative kinks. Dammit).

That was another reason I decided to go with psychological trauma as the underlying cause of Azula's breakdown, rather than a biological issue. Then I just get to think cheerful thoughts like how fine-tuned lightning bending and electro-shock therapy mesh together.

[recessional]

*lipstwitch* So, what happens if all three kids have mental illnesses?

To be fair, I'm a classic custodian, although I've never felt resentment and the issues I had were different from described here. But my littlest sister doesn't fit any of these, and even my middle sister (the needs-care Autistic one) has more roles in the family than Being The Object of Care.

[terajk]

So, what happens if all three kids have mental illnesses?

Radio silence, I think. :D

Now, if many people in your family have a lot of the traits you do but aren't diagnosed with anything and you don't really notice/are in denial of some of those traits in yourself (i.e. if you are me), you feel things like: "Why are you acting like it's so weird that I close my eyes when I'm talking when you people do the exact same thing?" ("Because we don't do it for as long. Or as often"). And my grandmother who DIDN'T have these traits would agree with me and I would be like: "HA. YOU GUYS ARE ALL IN DENIAL LEAVE ME ALONE."

even my middle sister (the needs-care Autistic one) has more roles in the family than Being The Object of Care.

One reason I hated this book was the overwhelming sense that neurologically-atypical people were all terrible siblings or parents or spouses. It certainly made me glad I didn't have any brothers and sisters, because, for one thing, there was a lament that forcing someone to be committed is harder than it used to be.

Scary book is scary. *shivers*